a farewell to LIBBY

listen to the words from the following song…

I once was fatherless,
a stranger with no hope;
Your kindness wakened me,
Awakened me, from my sleep

it’s ironic that libby died in her sleep…

Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross, you are the truth
You are the life, you are the way

Lift my hands and spin around,
See the light that I have found.
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light

Psalm 27:1 says that the lord is my light and the one who saves me

We must TRUST god. We must trust not only that HE does what is best, but that he knows what is ahead. Could death be god’s GRACE for libby? We ask for god’s grace, but his answer is not always the answer we want. We all know that libby has struggled daily with her diabetes and we must still believe that GOD IS IN CONTROL…he knew what was BEST for libby.

Corrie ten boom once said, “when the train goes through a tunnel and the world gets dark, do you jump out? Of course not. You sit still and TRUST the engineer to get you through”

One lady describes a unique experience in her life as this…

up ahead I saw three construction workers diligently working away in the heat, so I went up to them and asked if they wanted some water.. they said, “yes, please”. I went to the nearest store and bought 3 bottles of water. The workers were immensely pleased and wanted to pay for the drinks. I told them it was free. They were very shocked. This was a new experience for me also. I was never that generous, but more importantly, I would have never SEEN THEIR THIRST. Normally I would have walked past them, not thinking twice if they were thirsty.

LIBBY LOOKED FOR THIRSTY PEOPLE…

She DID FOR OTHERS with what she had until her last breath. She shared her home, her food, her LOVE everyday with someone. You all know the saying “she would give the shirt off her back”…even if she didn’t have a shirt to give, she would find a way to get a shirt and not keep it for herself, but give it away to someone in need.

She was a wonderful daughter, sister, mother, aunt and friend to ALL OF US.

I asked my daughter taylor to tell me what she thought about aunt libby, and her reply was, “SHE WAS SO NICE TO ME”. My guess is that if I polled everyone in this room, that would be your same answer.

Ghandhi once said, “LIVE as if you were to die tomorrow. LEARN as if you were to live forever.”

May we all learn from libby and the kindness of her ways. LEARN to GIVE, to CARE, to SHARE until OUR LAST BREATH.

VISION WALK - be still and know that i am GOD

well, today was finally VISION WALK...taylor and i and a host of others had been waiting for the day when we could go support our new friends tiffany and holt...(small note, i believe everyone is our friend, we just haven't met them all yet)...taylor felt such a "connection" with holt, being that he was not "perfect", she felt like he was like her and has felt so comfortable with him...another sidenote: tiffany and todd are great parents in the fact that their children are some of the MOST POLITE children i have ever met...AND, they are ALWAYS full of encouragement...those who know me, know I LOVE THAT...everyone can use a little encouragement...well, anyway...i have had this "connection" with the VISION WALK as my grandmother had maccular degeneration and i saw her struggles (the bible i use now is her LARGE PRINT bible that i bought her one year), also taylor having irlen syndrome (along with her dyslexia) makes her have such sensitivity to light and eye strain, etc. follows us through most days...well, we woke up this morning seeing it rain (we immediately began looking for ponchos, umbrellas, etc. to take to the walk...NEVER EVER DID IT CROSS OUR MINDS NOT TO GO...we wouldn't let a little rain stop us!!...we had worked so hard "selling our carrots" (taylor and i tried to think of a creative way to collect $$ for the walk and we decided that since carrots are good for your eyes, and this walk definitely was about the eyes, that we would go to the store and buy REAL carrots (long green leaves and everything) and SELL THEM...it was easier to ask people to BUY A CARROT instead of just making a donation...NO ONE TOOK THEIR CARROTS BY THE WAY...we sold the same carrots over and over...WHAT FUN!! (you gotta think out of the box)...one thing i noticed about the morning was that taylor did not take her "purple glasses" and had their been SUN out she would have had no choice but to wear her "purple glasses" or wear her non-prescription dark sunglasses to combat the sun's glare...but it was raining and she walked out glassesless (yes, this is a word)...i began thinking that had it been a BRIGHT BEAMING SUNNY DAY what havoc it would have wreaked on SO MANY EYES at the walk...AND REMEMBER, THE EYES WERE WHY WE WERE THERE...is GOD in control...ABSOLUTELY!!! HE can adjust the easiest and most complex things in this world of ours...THANK YOU GOD FOR THE CLOUDS THIS MORNING!!! another point i realized was that even with ALL the people doing the walk, i walked 99% of the walk by myself...i had 3 miles of prayer and meditation, SMELLING THE RAIN, FEELING THE RAIN, SEEING EVERYTHING BURST WITH THE FRESH RAIN GREEN, WATCHING THE DUCKS, SEEING THE SPIDER CLING TO THE WEB AS THE RAIN MADE IT SO UNSTABLE...i walked almost 1 1/2 miles behind a girl who appeared to be about my age (walking with her dad i would guess) and her site dog (sorry i don't know the pc word for this)...I NOTICED THE DOG NEVER MISS A STEP THROUGH EVERY PUDDLE, knowing how my dogs react and DID react just this morning getting their paws wet...THIS DOG KNEW HIS JOB AND THIS GIRL DEPENDED ON HIM, rain would not change his ways...i fought back tears many, many times (shocking i know)...and MANY times the tears won...well, those tears, they're back as i write this...i'm sitting writing this in my writing room, just by candlelight, watching the glow of the candle put me in such a tranquil state while i sit here relecting HOW GOOD GOD IS!!! RAIN OR SHINE HE'S ALWAYS THERE! I ENCOURAGE YOU TO BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD!! love you all xoxoxo shell

a PRAYER for my FRIENDS

i haven't written in a while, but i have had quite an emotional day with medical concerns for some very dear friends of mine...i told them, (after i repeated it myself)...to repeat after me, "God doesn't give us more than we can take"...boy God must think they are really strong...help us Lord to lean on You when we get burdened...push us so hard that the only thing we can do to stay afloat is reach to You...sometimes we get going on our own and we forget that You are there with us...THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE...let us not forget...i pray for my friends tonight, that ANYTHING i may be going through will be revealed to me as MINIMAL compared to their concerns today...GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRINGING THEM INTO MY LIFE...may they see YOU in me and truly know it will be ok...YOU ARE STILL IN CONTROL...help us to trust and NOT FORGET...I LOVE YOU, AND I LOVE THEM!!!

lives enTWINed

20 fingers, 20 toes
1 tiny girl
with cheeks of rose

born on the same day
1 breathing life
1 to die
lives enTWINed

1 life, 2 babies to love
tiny girl remains
boy's gone above

lives enTWINed

TWINLESS TWIN (written on our 40th birthday)

40 years i've gone without you
6 months we were side by side
often it makes me wonder
why you, not me that died

i want to know what you'd look like
what it would be like if you were here
going on without you
i never have to wonder if you are near

i feel your presence
i feel your touch
i know to this day
we've shared so much

i'm the lucky one
to have had you
if even for such a short time
we carry on together without your body, just mine

not many can say that they're a twin
and fewer a twinless twin
but no one but me can say
they've had a BEN

WHY PINK

they say we knew each other
after all you are my brother

i am here and you are gone
why does it all seem so wrong

the things we did just me and you
until the day our time was through

did we laugh...did we cry...
why is it we didn't get to say goodbye

maybe we did, i don't know
there are so many things left untold

how would you look...how would it be
how is it that now it's just me

why is it me
why is it not you

why did pink win
and not the blue

wake up "pink"...go to bed "pink and blue"

what in the heck is that suppose to mean...well, when i was 36 years old my parent's literally drove from granbury to mansfield, walked through my front door and in my entryway told me i had been a twin...BREATHE IN BREATHE OUT DOESN'T DO THE FEELING JUSTICE...i fell to the floor crying without missing a beat...i wasn't the youngest of three girls after all, i was a big sister...i had a twin brother that was born 45 minutes after me...WOW, how my life would CHANGE! i began that night writing down my feelings, writing poems to him...my twin...when my parents left that night this is the first thing that i wrote...

AND THE TWO BECAME ONE

what once was two
God made one

what now is pink
once was pink and blue

one small body with a heart as big as two
pink carries on not forgetting the blue

beside this empty bed
God never leaves her side
why was it within herself
she always had to hide

i hope there's no pharmacy in heaven
she'll find it if it's there
no pills in heaven will she want
will always be my prayer

the next time i see her
she will be free
free from the drugs
free from the need

they're a powerful thing
these drugs that we sell
they can strengthen your body
or put you through HELL

my prayer is that no one else
will go through this pain
so mother's death
will not be in vain

no one could put a number
on the years that she just slept
not knowing we were there
not knowing we wept

change for us...
for our children...
for yourself... we pled

she never listened
and now she is DEAD

WAIT...

God chose not to take her
with us she would stay
leaving us all
in total dismay

would she pay for her choices
was suffering in store
will she feel the agony she caused us
and more

there are so many things
i'll never understand
but one things for sure
God sticks to His plan

question Him not
He'll show us in time
have faith in Him
and He'll calm our minds

mother's choice

what would she choose, it seemed as if her whole life was hanging on by a thread...her family waiting to see if she would come back to us or if the scissors would cut the only thing left that was holding us together - this would be told by the decision she would make...

she couldn't understand that even though the once beautiful quilt had been torn, ripped and in some areas shredded, we were waiting for her with needles and thread if given the chance...

she was as though the pin cushion and we were all the pins drawn to her side...she had become the thimble - callased, hard and as if stone-like to protect the inside that was so delicate...we were waiting like a tape measurer to take the small steps to reach our goal of having her back...please let us mend you, for you can't do it alone

memoirs from a daughter of a drug addict

for all those that don't know my past history, or shall i say the history of my mother...here's a quick update...i am 44 years old and i have been the youngest daughter of a prescription drug addict for the past 34+ years of my life...almost the only life i can remember! my mom has been in rehabs, AA, NA, etc. too many times to count and i'm not sure any of it has helped her or us. i am writing this today and posting writings about her, that i wrote to her during some horrible "episodes" because tomorrow is her birthday. about two years ago my sisters and i decided that she was going to rehab, like it or not. we were drawing the line in the sand and we would give her and my dad the choice of her going or they were forever on their own. forever is a long time. we were finally making the choice to stop our daughter's from having to be a part of these same memories. to make a long story short i drove to their house in granbury, knocked on the door, loaded her up (she took one small bag filled with no more than her necessities which included bags of M&M's for God's sake). we didn't let her change her clothes so she went in her t-shirt that had too many cigarette burns in it to count. (another side note...days before she had been smoking while using her oxygen and had fallen asleep and the flame burned down the oxygen cord catching her shirt, leg and the carpet on fire alarming my dad in time to stomp out the carpet prior to the oxygen container exploding) she had a nice size bandage on her leg covering another wound to her body and our hearts. when we arrived at rehab they made her strip naked while examing her body to identify bruises, wounds, etc. that she came in with to distinguish those from the ones she would leave rehab with. mother was in a pattern of sleeping most days, all day. she slept during very important events...eating, chewing (causing choking episodes), smoking. she even fell asleep at my house, while eating taylor's birthday cake. yes, her head just dropped right into the piece of cake on her plate in front of all of our friends. i might mention that this happened just shortly after she had placed half of a hot dog in her mouth and fell asleep while swallowing causing an enormous choking episode. this was indeed a birthday to remember for all the wrong reasons. i can't recall how long mother stayed in rehab that time (so many things you just pray get erased in your memories), weeks, a month or something. mother said all the right things, cried, apologized, all the things we had heard so many times before! when mother was released she was released to attend NA (narcotics anonymous) which she tried to attend one meeting in the past two years i can recall. she was truly "back in the saddle" in a matter of time which led to her next episode which we thought would indeed take her life. i had recently "called to divorce my mother" a few days before this event, finally i was done! my dad called, i answered and he said, "it's your mother, but will you please come for me". he was crying and i could tell he was scared to death. i got in the truck and drove to granbury arriving moments prior to them loading her into careflite to go to fort worth. when i arrived her temperature was 105, she had labored breathing, they had intebated her, they were doing a brain scan, her white count was over 19,000, her blood sugar was over 500, they put her on a ventilator and told us she was septic. my dad and i walked her to the helicopter and it was truly ironic her being lifted into the sky, the heavens...she was indeed in God's hands at this point. i drove my dad to fort worth not knowing what we would encounter once we arrived. my sister had just had my mother in fort worth that afternoon for a doctor's appointment and mother had seemed "fine" when my sister left her. when my dad arrived home my mother was having violent seizures and was barely breathing. she had bumps, bruises, blood, etc. where she had been slamming her body against everything that was close in sight. she had never had seizures before. mother would spend the next month pretty much on a wing and a prayer in the neuro-icu. my dad never left her side, he prayed and prayed and prayed. my sisters and i prayed as well, we just prayed differently than dadi. to me, this was almost the end, the last chapter so to speak. the saddest thing to me would be that as long as my mother was alive i always thought i could change her, there was still a chance...if she were gone i would never have that chance to have a normal relationship like other girls did with their mom. taylor would never have a grandmother. we had been on this roller coaster so many times, we were exhausted to say the least, mentally and physically and it was almost a welcomed relief to think the end was almost here. we stayed at the hospital for the entire month she did, meeting many, many families...seeing many, many lives lost. why would God take these innocent people, sometimes babies and leave my mother. i was so confused, no i still am confused. they decided to put mother in a phenabarbatol coma for several days, basically they shut her brain off and restarted her like we restart or reboot our computers. she came back to us, having to learn how to breath, eat, walk, remember, etc...and parts of her just went away. there are many things good and bad that mother just doesn't remember (some simple and some difficult). you could say "her elevator just doesn't go up to the top any longer". she is simple, so simple that it is like speaking to a small child, she thinks like a small child, acts like one, etc...it is sad, so sad, so sad. well, this all brings me back to tomorrow. having never thought that my mother would survive last march, i never thought she would make it to another birthday. well, considering she makes it through tonight, she will celebrate her birthday tomorrow. i have decided that she is 1. just one. she can start over. we will let the past be the past and look to the future. like i said before, i will be posting some writings that i wrote during the last two "episodes", "events", "chapters", etc...as i do with taylor's dyslexia, i will gladly share what i know, share what i have been through in hopes of helping someone else. drug dependency is a horrible thing that will definitely change your life and i will gladly do what i can to prevent another daughter from having to have these same memories...HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHER!! xoxoxo

words

if i ever said i hate you i didn't mean it
for all the times i said i love you i meant it so many more
we don't realize that words are so strong
remember sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me
words can and do hurt us
spoken words and the lack of certain spoken words as well
choose your words carefully
there are so many to choose from
make your words count
words are so easy to say, but much harder to eat
you can never totally erase the words you say from someones memory