Our story of Carbon Monoxide Poisoning - Valentine's Day 2010

 We had been without electricity for 3 days due to the weather, and earlier in the day we ran a generator out in the front driveway/edge of our garage (we had the garage door open, windows in garage open, etc.)  The fire chief said that since it was so cold and there was no wind that the gas probably just settled instead of blowing away and just crept back into the house via the eaves.

 Taylor and I had gone to bed in our respective bedrooms and she told us later that SOMEONE called her name and she was trying to get up to see who it was...she got up and collapsed in her bedroom floor and shimmied up her wall, got back in bed, heard her name called again, got up and then collapsed outside her bedroom.  The thud of her falling is what woke me up. Charlie (her dad, and my ex-husband)  heard this as well from the living room and he and I went to the hallway to see what it was and found her lying lifeless on her face.  We couldn't get her to respond at all to us and Charlie sent me for a flashlight that was by my bed.  On my way to the bedroom I started feeling like something WAS NOT RIGHT WITH ME EITHER.  I got the flashlight, and started running back to the hall so I could get to Charlie to let him know I wasn't ok.  I knew if I collapsed in the bedroom he wouldn’t know to come for me and I had to get to him so he would know I WAS SICK.  The closer I got to them the further away I felt like I was getting.  Everything was spinning out of control.  When I turned the corner to the hallway I collapsed face first without any hands/arms to brace me, falling onto the metal flashlight cutting my forehead to the bone. Charlie had to search in the dark for the flashlight as it had rolled when I fell and I told him I felt blood running down my face.  He found the flashlight and looked and said HE HAD TO GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL!   I said WHAT IS WRONG WITH TAYLOR, DOESN’T SHE NEED TO GO!  Taylor meanwhile was in and out of consciousness.  He was able to get her awake and told her SHE HAD TO GO GET A TOWEL TO PUT ON MY HEAD to help with the bleeding until help got there.  My head began to pulse blood out of control.  When she brought it back, she then went back unconscious not far from me and Charlie had to drag her over and prop her on top of me, against the wall as I was having convulsions and banging my face into the concrete floor.  My eyes were rolling back in my head, and Charlie was yelling that I WASN’T GOING TO DIE ON HIM! 

 Charlie called 911 and first to respond were the police.  Immediately upon entering they looked for the lights and Charlie told them we were without power.  They used their flashlights and on first site was MY BLOOD, bloody handprints in my hallway where I tried to stand upon falling and Charlie had it on him.  IMMEDIATELY they began accusing Charlie of a crime, etc…and he began explaining what had transpired.  Shortly thereafter the fire department arrived, and LUCKILY Charlie knew one of the firemen who came to his defense.  The fire chief began asking questions as to what we had done earlier in the day to maybe put some of the pieces together as to what had happened.  He told of the generator use and immediately the fire chief went to the truck to get the carbon monoxide detector.  The truck was parked at the street and within steps of entering our driveway the detector began to “freak out”, so much that the chief went back to the truck to recalibrate the devise as he was not believing the high readings.  Once again, walking in the driveway up to our front door the readings on the devise began to creep higher and higher.  Upon reaching the door the chief called for his crew to exit the home and began to get Charlie, Taylor and our dogs out as well.  A couple of paramedics were left inside with me to get me stable enough for transport to the hospital.  Once outside, they realized that Taylor had “started” this whole incident and the firemen told Charlie they wanted her checked out as well.  I left by ambulance and Charlie and Taylor in his truck.  Several firemen stayed at our home to open windows and stay and watch our dogs for sickness and make sure they were in a safe place before leaving.  WAY BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY.  Once at Mansfield Methodist they checked mine and Taylor’s blood gases and they were “through the roof”, hers being much higher than mine.  Mansfield Methodist was not prepared or skilled to handle emergencies such as ours and they began preparing us to be transported to Dallas Methodist to get in the hyperbaric chamber.  (in an ambulance, on the ice)  First my head had to be stitched up, 15 stitches and I had to have a CT to make sure I was transportable.  Off we went, Taylor and I in the ambulance, her sitting with oxygen on and me on a stretcher with oxygen on.  Somewhere along the way my oxygen ran out and the face mask adhered to my face, not a fun experience.  THE PARAMEDICS WERE WONDERFUL!!!  Upon arriving at Dallas Methodist they began to explain to me the procedures for going into the hyperbaric chamber, (all of this I am trying to comprehend while the carbon monoxide is STILL doing damage to my brain!)  I must add that at some time after our arrival we found out that the FAMILY that had just been in the chamber ALL DIED, except the father!!  NOT COMFORTING!!!!  Taylor and I are BOTH VERY VERY CLAUSTROPHOBIC but were SURVIVORS after our approximate 3 HOUR STAY IN THE CHAMBER!!  (Taylor was SUCH A TROOPER, as they had a VERY VERY DIFFICULT time getting her to the depth that we needed to be to be successful)  Two AMBULANCE RIDES, One CATSCAN, Two BLOODGASES, Two HYPERBARIC CHAMBERS, Fifteen STITCHES and One CONCUSSION later, WE SURVIVED!!! 

 Afterwards my sister moved in for approximately a month.  Physically I was trying to heal my head, but MENTALLY I was left with a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY.  I literally started over with kindergarten flashcards…looking at an apple and saying library!!!  I’VE COME A LONG WAY BABY, you might say!!  I didn’t even miss work!!!!  Friends and family scooped Taylor and I up and helped us heal!  My neurologist told me that people DON'T SURVIVE what we went through and there really aren't patients like us.  He said they really don't know how to treat me.  Through his honesty,  became a great comforter as I struggled SO with memory and cognitive skills.  Memory is horrible at times, and I’ve lost so many precious memories.  Taylor and I have a saying when it comes to trying to remember things, we just look at each other and say, “did we have fun?”  The one who remembers says to the other, “yes, we had fun!!”  That’s all that matters.  BUT, TO BE ALIVE IS AMAZING!!! (in whatever capacity!!)  God is good; no great, HIS GRACE IS UNENDING!!)  The worse things I daily deal with are balance, breathing, memory, or lack thereof.  These are daily struggles for both Taylor and I.  I have fallen more times than I’ve stood it seems.  Had injuries that ranged from Band-Aids to orthopedics visits!   Recovery continues every day for me and Taylor.  Luckily her Dyslexic brain is use to ACCOMMODATING skills and this continues to be her saving Grace on a daily basis.  She is young and healing has come easier for her, but memory and migraines are big battles for her.  

 Sidenote:  When we arrived home from the hospital I grabbed Taylor’s forearms and said to her, “you know the voice that woke you up was not me or daddy?”  Her response, “I KNOW MOM!”  My FAITH is AMAZING!! God’s MERCY IS INCREDIBLE!!

Reflections of THANKSGIVING

Thanksgiving truly is my most favorite time of the year.  I love to sit and reflect on what has been taken, what I’ve been given, and God’s perfect plan for me and mine. 

Psalm 66:12 “We went through the fire and through water; yet You have brought us out to a place of abundance.”

God certainly had His hand in every detail.  I am walking this life out by His grace and love with those who love and encourage me.  God provided!  I am living my dream with my happily ever after.  He provided the most tender, compassionate, caring man that my heart desired.

God had to unclench my hands in order for me to

raise them to His glory. 

There is power, freedom and beauty in the smallest open palm.  When I had nothing else to hold onto, I gave Him what I had.  Nothing, everything!  I offered my open hands to Him. 

Jehovah Jireh “The Lord will provide.”  Indeed!

He showed me how to jump in the deep end instead of tipping my toes in the shallow.  He taught me trust!  He taught me how to spill joy again and to drip His light everywhere I go.

Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you.

You need only be still.”

So many prayers prayed, so many prayers answered. 

I will never stop thanking Him

 for all I have and all He has done.

All He wants us to do is ask.  All He wants us to do is step out of His way and trust Him.  He will meet you where you are, whether you are full or empty, thirsty or quenched, bring Him what you have, and bring Him what you are.     

I am so magnificently grateful for who He has provided, how he has provided and that He continues to provide for me and Taylor!  I couldn't be prouder of who Taylor has become through all of her diversities.         

Whether you are on a mountaintop, arms flailing or deep in a valley of stillness, never forget where you’ve come from, where you’ve been.  Look back occasionally just to see how far you’ve come and never be afraid to return to the Well.  Life gets hard every now and then, even during times of plenty and great blessings.

By God’s grace, He took my drips of hope and gave me strength.

A million “THANK YOU’S” Lord.          

His grace is certainly glue for the broken.

I will continue to embrace the big and small moments, every breath I’m given, especially the ones that I struggle to breathe. 

So many people watched me go through the fire and come out the other side and I hope they gained strength and renewed their trust in Him along the way.  I am forever grateful for each of you.  I hope God is using my life now as a witness, a form of daily encouragement, strength and hope to others.

 I hope my life is a picture of what He can do if we let Him.

                                                                                  

When I feel the warmth of David’s hand laced in mine, it is a simple reminder of thousands of prayers that were prayed and answered. 

Gratefulness and thanksgiving overcome me!

BOOK REVIEW of BREAD & WINE a love letter to life around the table with recipes BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN by SHAUNA NIEQUIST

I LOVE SHAUNA NIEQUIST’S WRITING!  She writes as if she took a pencil to my soul.  No doubt many, many readers feel the same way.  Shauna’s COLD TANGERINES and BITTERSWEET were just bread crumbs leading us to and preparing us for BREAD & WINE. I feel as if she spoon-fed us on her first two books and left us thirsting for more.  Not many can write, and engage the reader as Shauna does.  Each time you sit down to read BREAD & WINE you will be nourished and loved as if you were amongst her family and friends, sharing in her life events around her table.  You will both “live” and “laugh” out loud when Shauna does, and tears will surely stain the pages as you weep during her times of great sorrow.  You will be hungry and fed, thirsty and quenched, and when you get to the last page you will want nothing less than to come to the table; not alone, but with your friends, family and community.

Who doesn’t want to learn to feed themselves and their family and friends?  BREAD & WINE teaches you to learn to nourish yourself so you can nourish those you love, with not only food, but compassion, hope and encouragement. 

“Learn, little by little, meal by meal, to feed yourself and the people you love, because food is one of the ways we love each other, and the table is one of the most sacred places we gather.”

Don’t just step into the kitchen, run, dance and live in it!  Share yourself and your traditions and make new memories with each and every dish that you prepare.  People don’t care how good you cook, they care how well you love them and how they feel at home at your table.  Some of my greatest memories growing up were in my granny’s kitchen touching, tasting and preparing.  Invite people to your table to be nourished, to be blessed, to cry, to laugh and to love until everyone is full.  Use your fine dishes and your cloth napkins to wipe each other’s tears of joy, laughter and heartache, or as Shauna says, just let it all run down your chin.

“I want it all -- all the tastes, all the smells, all the stories and memories and traditions, all the textures and flavors and experiences, all running down my chin, all over my fingers.”

“What people are craving isn't perfection. People aren't longing to be impressed; they're longing to feel like they're home.”

I relate so well with Shauna and her love for food; the preparation, planning and the beauty of its presentation.  Meals should be made picture-ready not picture-perfect, even if it’s peanut butter and jelly prepared with your child’s hands.  No, especially when prepared by your child’s hands.  Who says the most simplest of things can’t be beautiful.  Beauty is everywhere and you will find it when you look for it. 

“I'm a person of great appetites. I love to eat. I love to talk about food, think about food, play with food.”

“I'm never happier than when I'm planning a menu or passing bowls around my table, fragrant and full.”

Shauna speaks of sitting around the table while letting the pillar candles burn down, resting, breathing with the ones we love.  What better place to be than where you are?  Practice present over perfect. 

“…that the God who loves us will bring new life to our worn-out hearts this year and every year, that we'll live, truly and deeply, in the present, instead of waiting, waiting, waiting for perfect.”

“When the table is full, heavy with platters, wine glasses scattered, napkins twisted and crumpled forks askew, dessert plates scattered with crumbs and icing, candles burning down low--it's in those moments that I feel a deep sense of God’s presence and happiness. I feel honored to create a place around my table, a place for laughing and crying, for being seen and heard, for telling stories and creating memories.”

Shauna encourages us to invite people to our table.  Love people enough to feed them and nourish them.  Get comfortable, barefoot is totally acceptable, silence the phones and ask God’s Blessings on both the food you are about to eat and the hands that prepared it.  I pray your dessert isn’t some sweet, syrupy, sticky mess, but a continual sharing of stories told while the dishes piled high in the kitchen are perfectly fine just where they are.  “Come to the table, dinner’s at six.”

“I want you to tell someone you love them, and dinners at six.”

“The table is where we store up for those days, where we log minutes and hours building something durable and strong that gets tested in those terrible split seconds. And the table is where we return to stitch our hearts back together after the breaking.”

“More than anything, I want you to come to the table. In all sorts of ways, both literally and metaphorically, come to the table.”

http://www.shaunaniequist.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Bread-Wine-Finding-Community-Around/dp/0310328179/

TODAY i changed my BLOG title!

keeping with the whole "trying to BREATH" theme, today i changed my BLOG TITLE to, "with my last breath i'd say I LOVE YOU!  when i LOVE, well...I LOVE!  chances are if i LOVE YOU, you know it!  i consider myself lucky to be LOVED by so many. 

"pardon my progress; or MESS, God is still at work in my life"

40 days in the Word...week one

shall we say, let's kill two birds with one stone?  well, actually that sounds like a david thing, as i don't kill birds, he does...what i mean is this...the taylor family started a bible study group while we partake in 40 days in the Word...AND if i WRITE about what i study then i can kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, and i'll never give up a chance to WRITE!!..HERE GOES...

MY take on Philippians 1:1 - 1:26

"pardon my progress; or MESS, God is still at work in my life"

well, this week started with the book of Philippians and oh my gosh, just look what paul did in prison...can i not make a stand for Christ in my life, through my life, through my challenges, in my challenges, in spite of my challenges??  i think so...  i can't help but think where paul is and how the book begins with "GRACE BE UNTO YOU", (I LOVE LOVE LOVE TO ENCOURAGE!!)  and "PEACE".  GRACE AND PEACE..yes, thank you!!  God pours GRACE in the midst of our trials as if from a huge pitcher, right over our heads!  feel it?  right now? verse 3,  "i THANK my God upon every remembrance of you".  how often are WE thankful?  do we forget to BE thankful?  LIVE thankful?  LIVE THANKFULLY?  now, those were questions, ready for the statements?  THANKFUL.  BE THANKFUL.  LIVE THANKFUL.  LIVE THANKFULLY.  period!!  end of story!  not really, cause i'm still typing and i'm not done.  THANKFULLY, just as verse 6 states, "being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.", HE'S NOT DONE EITHER!!  with YOU, with ME!  i LOVE that i'm not done!!  i'm just getting started!! 

i truly BELIEVE, that just like paul, WE ARE WHERE WE ARE FOR A REASON.  ALLOW GOD TO WORK IN YOUR LIFE!  paul advanced the Gospel, in spite of his circumstances, CAN WE?  WE SHOULD!  so many of the verses speak of REJOICING and JOY!  i love those two words.    verse 20 speaks of BOLDNESS, not being ashamed of Christ being MAGNIFIED in us!  yes YOU!  AND ME!  let's LIVE our lives with BOLDNESS for Christ's sake.   verse 21 "for to me to LIVE is Christ, and to die is GAIN."  LIVING FOR CHRIST!  it will change your life!!  LET'S START NOW!!!

i love you all!

mercy vs grace

once again, i am so humbled by His grace! can't tell you how many days that has happened in this new life. on many occassions i have sat, or laid in bed pondering over the difference in "mercy and grace". often times i think people mistakedly use them interchangeably, as did i. the longer this remains in the forefront of my mind i believe that i finally get it. God has and is continually showing me the difference in my real life.

take for instance the past few years that were woven with pain, sadness and countless tears....

can't tell you how many prayers i prayed for God to provide His healing or provide me a way to my heart's safety. did i believe that would happen? not TRULY for many years! i kept getting in the way of His blessing, HIS ANSWERED PRAYER! His MERCY! once i truly believed, i mean TRULY believed...(got face down and butt up), HE answered my prayer! and, that story of HIS GREAT BLESSING will indeed be another writing when i have more time to give it the amount of words that it deserves!

however, it was His MERCY that provided a way to my heart's safety! His MERCY is what allows us to escape, be provided for, succeed! His GRACE is where the BLESSINGS come! so many times in my life i have MERCIFULLY been provided for. God shown His MERCY on my mother and at the same time He was there for her children. every time my mother was absent from my life...HE never left me! He was there molding me into who i am today. (the person i am so much that He has provided me the talent to put this into words.) that's where His GRACE comes in! as far back as i can remember, He has POURED HIS GRACE ON ME! when the dark veil of my mother's drugs and alcohol covered us in darkness, His MERCY allowed us girls to "unwrap" the darkness, the sin, the filth, the shame and begin again, walking with Him in His grace! my sister and i frequently and intentionally tell people it is His "grace" that has been poured on our heads to have allowed us to have survived, prevail into the women we are today. well, as i write this i am understanding that it wasn't His "grace", but His MERCY that allowed us to survive and it is His GRACE that we continue to live in so wonderfully!

this is where last night comes into play...as i sat and watched generations play, laugh and LOVE! i was a part of that. so GRACIOUSLY a part of that! i have always been a "simple" girl, loving the simple things in life! the things you can't buy, but have a worth beyond belief! enter one special lady who gripped my heart and reminded me so much of my mam maw. when i saw this jewel i realized God had sprinkled these women all over to provide His blessings in so many deserving places. my mam maw was a true woman of God who touched so many lives during hers. God provided me precious times with her growing up and all along He was instilling in me some of her wonderful qualities. God used this special woman last night as not only a reminder to me of those wonderful qualities that have been passed down through the generations, but as a reminder of His goodness to us!!

i am so magnificently GRATEFUL for who He has provided, how he has provided and that He continues to provide for me and Taylor! some mornings, this one included i open my eyes and sometimes say outloud, "is this my life?" with tears streaming down my face, i answer myself! let me be the first to tell you i have had His grace POURED on me, but right now IT IS RAINING GRACE! it is everywhere i look, everywhere i go, everywhere i breath!

now, anyone who knows me, KNOWS that i am scooping up the grace, puting it in bottles and buckets as fast as i can for those who i might encounter who need some as well! that's just who i am!! p.s....I LOVE THAT!!! my GRACE just called and i'm about to get ready for the day and it's blessings.

today we will celebrate a very special blessing who is turning two. thank you God for allowing me to be a part of his life and belly laughs. may today be a true blessing to many, a raining of Your grace. today will be a day where no umbrella is needed...let me dance in the rain!!!!

When Death Teaches LIFE

(written summer 2009)

Twenty-one years ago, we were a young married couple, doing what young married couples do…watching television, because it was cheap. Interrupting what was probably our favorite show in the 80’s, the phone violently rang, jolting us from the drama that was unfolding on TV. The voice was random, not recognizable, and she asked for my husband. She identified herself as a nurse at a hospital in Oklahoma and stated that she was tending to my husband’s mother. She briefly explained that my mother-in-law had tried to take her own life, and had done a superb job. She plead to us that if we wanted to speak to her alive we needed to get to her immediately. We were six hours from the hospital and we knew that immediately for us may not be fast enough. We shared a small bag between us, grabbing toothbrushes and a change of clothes, one change of clothes. How long we would be there, we did not know, and for now it was of very little importance. To get there was our mission and we would worry about everything else later, much later. We drove across town to my sisters, and not finding her home, we left our house key in her mailbox so she could tend to our two dogs while we were away. We were out of town and on our way in record time, not pausing to breathe even, we were definitely in “GO” mode. We had a responsibility and we could not delay. The worst part of the trip was the six hours it took us to get there, not knowing what we would find when we arrived. What would we say, what would we do? The “not knowing” was the worst. We relived every conversation that we had had with her lately and tried to convince ourselves that we did all we could do, to no avail. It’s hard to convince yourself that you did plenty when you are up against a wall knowing that you may NEVER be afforded the opportunity to do any more. I remember I tried either to reassure my husband or I just remained completely quiet for the entire ride. I assure you, that you hear every noise the car makes when no words are spoken, but oh how LOUD it is in your head. Every moment continuing; still reliving the things that we could have done. Over and over I repeated the same words in my head, “why was this happening?” We were too young for this. We were the children after all and this certainly wasn’t in our days plan. We weren’t parents and certainly didn’t know how to be parents. Suddenly, life changed for us! We were on our way to the beginning of some very grown up decisions. Decisions we never planned on making till we were much older. Some we didn’t even understand. We arrived at the hospital late Sunday night, finding her in a coma…to never gain consciousness. They began explaining to us all the things that had gone wrong, and we longed for just one thing to go right to give us some HOPE. We quickly learned words like brain damage, ventilator and fetal position. We suddenly used these words interchangeably like they had been a part of our lives forever. She was in a very small hospital, allowing us to stay in the ICU waiting room around the clock. We did not sleep, not one wink until Thursday night. The only “normal” thing we did was brush our teeth in the mornings, in the public bathroom. This small act of “normalcy” was a welcomed event, knowing if the morning came that she had survived one more day. We had her in our lives for one more day. Wednesday night came and we had both just left her room, watching her lie there in the fetal position so helpless. Hearing the words “brain-dead”, “never be the same”, “a vegetable” played over and over in my head like a continuous recording that couldn’t be turned off. “Why couldn’t we help her?” Every time I saw her I put more chap stick on her parched lips, telling myself that I was helping. I told her every time I was in there alone how I would always take care of her son. How I would love him forever and not let her down. This last visit I had pleaded with her to just “let go”, that “it was ok.” I was twenty-four years old, repeating words and phrases that were intended for someone much older. I was becoming not only the wife but the mother. My husband visited her again and upon him entering the waiting room we heard a loud voice over the PA system repeat, “RESPIRATORY THERAPY TO ICU”, “ICU CODE BLUE”, echoing throughout the small hospital. We knew they were speaking of her and we began to pray harder and harder. At this point, tears were streaming down both of our faces. I prayed for wisdom. Words have always come easy for me but suddenly I prayed, “Lord, please give me the right words to say.” Suddenly, almost in unison we revealed to each other that the last time we were in her room we had both plead to her to just “let go”, we would handle the rest. Knowing that they were vigorously working on her as we had this conversation, somehow I felt a moment of relief. They called us back and told us if possible she had taken a “turn for the worse”. This began the “beginning of the end for us.” We began speaking honestly to each other about “letting her go.” We spent the rest of the night and the early part of the next day reading and signing papers that would allow us to end her life. What a decision this was, so much of a decision that I wouldn’t allow my husband’s name to be the only signature! I signed my name right below his as this was a decision that we would make together. This was the biggest decision we had made to date. This was the biggest way I could support him. This is how i would SHOW MY LOVE, by BEING THERE FOR HIM, NOT ONLY NOW, but ALWAYS. The hospital staff was AWESOME!! They were so kind to us and treated us like family. They treated her as if she were their family, as if she were their mother. Thursday would prove to be the last day we would get to have her. We removed her from the only thing sustaining what miserable amount of life she had left. “LIVING” like this would not be what she wanted! “LIVING” like a vegetable would not be what she wanted. “LIVING” in a nursing home at the mere age of 44 WOULD NOT BE WHAT SHE WANTED! The end was here! We stayed with her until her blood pressure was in single digits. We saw her at peace when it was over. We saw her tired body placed in a body bag, helpless and so fragile. Thursday evening we found a motel room and began calling and making arrangements with the funeral home, church, friends, etc. Thursday night we slept. We slept for the first time since Saturday night. Finally it was over! OUR LIFE HAD TRULY CHANGED! When the services were over and we began our car ride back to Texas I began thinking to myself, “what would I learn from this?” I believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason and I would not let this pass by without learning something! I told myself, “I WILL LET HER DEATH TEACH ME TO LIVE!” I would LIVE not only for me, but for her and for her son! When we would have children I would LIVE for them!! I would never put my children in these shoes. I would never make them have to grow up so quickly if I could help it. Ironically as I write this I am remembering in just over two months we will celebrate our 25th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! What a long way we have come in 21 years. I have been there everyday, all 7,665 of them, LIVING my life, showing my husband that LIFE DOES GO ON. We are here for a reason and I am going to make it count.


“LIVE as if you were to die tomorrow”, “LEARN as if you were to live forever.” We are NEVER too old to stop learning!

I WILL LIVE, my cup will not be half full, it will be OVERFLOWING. I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE. I will make the world different because I WAS HERE. (written summer 2009)

a farewell to LIBBY

listen to the words from the following song…

I once was fatherless,
a stranger with no hope;
Your kindness wakened me,
Awakened me, from my sleep

it’s ironic that libby died in her sleep…

Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross, you are the truth
You are the life, you are the way

Lift my hands and spin around,
See the light that I have found.
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light

Psalm 27:1 says that the lord is my light and the one who saves me

We must TRUST god. We must trust not only that HE does what is best, but that he knows what is ahead. Could death be god’s GRACE for libby? We ask for god’s grace, but his answer is not always the answer we want. We all know that libby has struggled daily with her diabetes and we must still believe that GOD IS IN CONTROL…he knew what was BEST for libby.

Corrie ten boom once said, “when the train goes through a tunnel and the world gets dark, do you jump out? Of course not. You sit still and TRUST the engineer to get you through”

One lady describes a unique experience in her life as this…

up ahead I saw three construction workers diligently working away in the heat, so I went up to them and asked if they wanted some water.. they said, “yes, please”. I went to the nearest store and bought 3 bottles of water. The workers were immensely pleased and wanted to pay for the drinks. I told them it was free. They were very shocked. This was a new experience for me also. I was never that generous, but more importantly, I would have never SEEN THEIR THIRST. Normally I would have walked past them, not thinking twice if they were thirsty.

LIBBY LOOKED FOR THIRSTY PEOPLE…

She DID FOR OTHERS with what she had until her last breath. She shared her home, her food, her LOVE everyday with someone. You all know the saying “she would give the shirt off her back”…even if she didn’t have a shirt to give, she would find a way to get a shirt and not keep it for herself, but give it away to someone in need.

She was a wonderful daughter, sister, mother, aunt and friend to ALL OF US.

I asked my daughter taylor to tell me what she thought about aunt libby, and her reply was, “SHE WAS SO NICE TO ME”. My guess is that if I polled everyone in this room, that would be your same answer.

Ghandhi once said, “LIVE as if you were to die tomorrow. LEARN as if you were to live forever.”

May we all learn from libby and the kindness of her ways. LEARN to GIVE, to CARE, to SHARE until OUR LAST BREATH.

beside this empty bed
God never leaves her side
why was it within herself
she always had to hide

i hope there's no pharmacy in heaven
she'll find it if it's there
no pills in heaven will she want
will always be my prayer

the next time i see her
she will be free
free from the drugs
free from the need

they're a powerful thing
these drugs that we sell
they can strengthen your body
or put you through HELL

my prayer is that no one else
will go through this pain
so mother's death
will not be in vain

no one could put a number
on the years that she just slept
not knowing we were there
not knowing we wept

change for us...
for our children...
for yourself... we pled

she never listened
and now she is DEAD

WAIT...

God chose not to take her
with us she would stay
leaving us all
in total dismay

would she pay for her choices
was suffering in store
will she feel the agony she caused us
and more

there are so many things
i'll never understand
but one things for sure
God sticks to His plan

question Him not
He'll show us in time
have faith in Him
and He'll calm our minds

mother's choice

what would she choose, it seemed as if her whole life was hanging on by a thread...her family waiting to see if she would come back to us or if the scissors would cut the only thing left that was holding us together - this would be told by the decision she would make...

she couldn't understand that even though the once beautiful quilt had been torn, ripped and in some areas shredded, we were waiting for her with needles and thread if given the chance...

she was as though the pin cushion and we were all the pins drawn to her side...she had become the thimble - callased, hard and as if stone-like to protect the inside that was so delicate...we were waiting like a tape measurer to take the small steps to reach our goal of having her back...please let us mend you, for you can't do it alone

memoirs from a daughter of a drug addict

for all those that don't know my past history, or shall i say the history of my mother...here's a quick update...i am 44 years old and i have been the youngest daughter of a prescription drug addict for the past 34+ years of my life...almost the only life i can remember! my mom has been in rehabs, AA, NA, etc. too many times to count and i'm not sure any of it has helped her or us. i am writing this today and posting writings about her, that i wrote to her during some horrible "episodes" because tomorrow is her birthday. about two years ago my sisters and i decided that she was going to rehab, like it or not. we were drawing the line in the sand and we would give her and my dad the choice of her going or they were forever on their own. forever is a long time. we were finally making the choice to stop our daughter's from having to be a part of these same memories. to make a long story short i drove to their house in granbury, knocked on the door, loaded her up (she took one small bag filled with no more than her necessities which included bags of M&M's for God's sake). we didn't let her change her clothes so she went in her t-shirt that had too many cigarette burns in it to count. (another side note...days before she had been smoking while using her oxygen and had fallen asleep and the flame burned down the oxygen cord catching her shirt, leg and the carpet on fire alarming my dad in time to stomp out the carpet prior to the oxygen container exploding) she had a nice size bandage on her leg covering another wound to her body and our hearts. when we arrived at rehab they made her strip naked while examing her body to identify bruises, wounds, etc. that she came in with to distinguish those from the ones she would leave rehab with. mother was in a pattern of sleeping most days, all day. she slept during very important events...eating, chewing (causing choking episodes), smoking. she even fell asleep at my house, while eating taylor's birthday cake. yes, her head just dropped right into the piece of cake on her plate in front of all of our friends. i might mention that this happened just shortly after she had placed half of a hot dog in her mouth and fell asleep while swallowing causing an enormous choking episode. this was indeed a birthday to remember for all the wrong reasons. i can't recall how long mother stayed in rehab that time (so many things you just pray get erased in your memories), weeks, a month or something. mother said all the right things, cried, apologized, all the things we had heard so many times before! when mother was released she was released to attend NA (narcotics anonymous) which she tried to attend one meeting in the past two years i can recall. she was truly "back in the saddle" in a matter of time which led to her next episode which we thought would indeed take her life. i had recently "called to divorce my mother" a few days before this event, finally i was done! my dad called, i answered and he said, "it's your mother, but will you please come for me". he was crying and i could tell he was scared to death. i got in the truck and drove to granbury arriving moments prior to them loading her into careflite to go to fort worth. when i arrived her temperature was 105, she had labored breathing, they had intebated her, they were doing a brain scan, her white count was over 19,000, her blood sugar was over 500, they put her on a ventilator and told us she was septic. my dad and i walked her to the helicopter and it was truly ironic her being lifted into the sky, the heavens...she was indeed in God's hands at this point. i drove my dad to fort worth not knowing what we would encounter once we arrived. my sister had just had my mother in fort worth that afternoon for a doctor's appointment and mother had seemed "fine" when my sister left her. when my dad arrived home my mother was having violent seizures and was barely breathing. she had bumps, bruises, blood, etc. where she had been slamming her body against everything that was close in sight. she had never had seizures before. mother would spend the next month pretty much on a wing and a prayer in the neuro-icu. my dad never left her side, he prayed and prayed and prayed. my sisters and i prayed as well, we just prayed differently than dadi. to me, this was almost the end, the last chapter so to speak. the saddest thing to me would be that as long as my mother was alive i always thought i could change her, there was still a chance...if she were gone i would never have that chance to have a normal relationship like other girls did with their mom. taylor would never have a grandmother. we had been on this roller coaster so many times, we were exhausted to say the least, mentally and physically and it was almost a welcomed relief to think the end was almost here. we stayed at the hospital for the entire month she did, meeting many, many families...seeing many, many lives lost. why would God take these innocent people, sometimes babies and leave my mother. i was so confused, no i still am confused. they decided to put mother in a phenabarbatol coma for several days, basically they shut her brain off and restarted her like we restart or reboot our computers. she came back to us, having to learn how to breath, eat, walk, remember, etc...and parts of her just went away. there are many things good and bad that mother just doesn't remember (some simple and some difficult). you could say "her elevator just doesn't go up to the top any longer". she is simple, so simple that it is like speaking to a small child, she thinks like a small child, acts like one, etc...it is sad, so sad, so sad. well, this all brings me back to tomorrow. having never thought that my mother would survive last march, i never thought she would make it to another birthday. well, considering she makes it through tonight, she will celebrate her birthday tomorrow. i have decided that she is 1. just one. she can start over. we will let the past be the past and look to the future. like i said before, i will be posting some writings that i wrote during the last two "episodes", "events", "chapters", etc...as i do with taylor's dyslexia, i will gladly share what i know, share what i have been through in hopes of helping someone else. drug dependency is a horrible thing that will definitely change your life and i will gladly do what i can to prevent another daughter from having to have these same memories...HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHER!! xoxoxo